The Crux of the Biscuit: the Apostrophe

For those of you who like music, have a listen to Frank Zappa's song "Apostrophe" from the album Apostrophe.



Sweet, huh? So...you've probably already figured out where this is heading.... That's right, this is the long-promised "Apostrophe Post." So fasten your seatbelts. Here we go.

Apostrophes are really simple: they take the place of missing things. In fact, just like there's a type of poem called a "sonnet," and a kind called an "ode," there's also a kind of poem called an "apostrophe," which is a poem addressed to an absent person or thing or an abstract idea. For example, "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?" is an apostrophe from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. You get the idea, right?

Okay, so what does this have to do with punctuation? Well, we use apostrophes for two basic functions in English: to signal that some other letter is missing or to signal possession. And really, because of the way possession evolved in English grammar, these two functions are more similar than you think; check out the wikipedia page on apostrophes if you want more details.

Anyway, we all know the rules for signaling missing letters: "do not" becomes "don't" when the longer phrase is contracted into a shorter one (that's why it's called a contraction: it's been contracted). Some other contractions are "can't" ("cannot"), "isn't" ("is not"), "should've" ("should have"), "it's" ("it is" or "it has") and "couldn't've" ("could not have"). Any questions? No? I thought not.

So the thing about apostrophes that gives people absolute fits isn't the contractions part; it's the possession part.

Here's 95% of what you'll ever need to know about possession:

1. If a word is singular, you make it possessive by adding an 's. And here's the surprise: it doesn't matter if the word ends in the letter S or not! That's right, you make "boy" and "Chris" possessive the same way: you add an 's to the end of them. So, boy becomes boy's and Chris becomes Chris's. "The diamond mines of Arkansas" become "Arkansas's diamond mine.

Repeat after me: if the word is singular, it gets an 's. Period. (People get confused because of journalists...read the wikipedia page or ask me in class and I'll explain.)

2. If a word is plural and doesn't end in S, you add an 's. So, this is simple: "the baseballs of the children" becomes "the children's baseballs." Not crazy, right? "The women's meeting." Makes sense.

3. If a word is plural and does end in S, you just add an '. Okay, this isn't really all that hard: "the baseballs of the three boys" would become "the boys' baseballs." Not difficult, not new. You've added the S separately for a totally different reason (to make the word plural); you've just added the apostrophe to signal possession.

Sometimes these rules can seem tricky. Take my last name for example. If you want to say "the dog of Raina Lyons" you will most likely want to use an apostrophe to signal possession. Since my name ends in S, and I'm not plural, you'll want to say this: "Raina Lyons's dog." Rule #1, right?

Okay so if you are talking about the house of my in-laws, Mr. and Mrs. Lyons and all their kid and grandkids, you will first have to make Lyons plural, because we are talking about multiple members of the family. So, now we have this: "the house of the Lyonses" And then, if you want to use an apostrophe to make that phrase possessive, thereby avoiding that awkward and old-fashioned "of," you'll simply need to add an apostrophe to the end of "Lyonses" (Rule #3). Make sense? You'll end up with this: "the Lyonses' house." Brilliant, huh?

And that's basically it. Really. So why do people get so tripped up? One simple thing: somewhere along the way, they've been mislead into thinking you need to use apostrophes to make words plural. In fact, you almost NEVER need to use an apostrophe to make a word plural.

Wait...let me be very clear about this: I want you to repeat after me: "NEVER USE AN APOSTROPHE TO MAKE A WORD PLURAL." Now, I know a sentence ago I said "almost never" and now I'm saying never, but that's because even though some people argue for exceptions, most of grammar authorities do not back these exceptions. So really, most of the time, you are not going to run into any exception to this rule. If you are just ACHING to know these controversial exceptions (including usage with numbers), you can check out your grammar handbook or just go back to the old Wikipedia apostrophe page from earlier. But I'm telling you, it's perfectly safe and legitimate to ignore them....

So that's about all I have to say about apostrophes for now. But wait...you may be asking yourself, "What the heck is up with that title? 'The Crux of the Biscuit,' for crying out loud? What's that all about?" Well, for that answer, you'll need to listen to another Frank Zappa song...pay attention to the lyrics; they won't make sense, but they DO mention apostrophes....